Absence

I haven't written for a while, for the simple reason that I haven't felt able to.

Four weeks ago a member of the football team I captain collapsed mid-game, and, despite everyone's best efforts sadly passed away shortly afterwards. The awfulness of the loss of a good man, aged just 26, while doing something as everyday as playing football has hit hard and touched me deeply. Yet while feeling the horror of what seems like a totally random, and terrifyingly uncontrollable tragedy, aspects of it seem so contradictorily distant. I was not present when the incident happened, nor did I know Michael in any meaningful way. He was a quiet guy introduced to the team through one of our existing players and only played in the team for a number of weeks. There is never much time for chat at football and our exchanges hadn't yet gone much beyond hellos and how are yous.

In light of this event I haven't felt comfortable writing. It has seemed all rather frivolous and unjustified. I have begun, or thought about restarting but nothing has been seen through. I do know that I need to restart though, and soon, to leave it much longer and there would be a danger that the ball could be dropped altogether. To write regularly and with commitment was something I pledged to myself when I started this blog. Despite my inactivity, one aspect of this period away is that it has allowed me to mull over something that has concerned me about this blog for a while.

I have been a little shy about being forward with this site - I haven't shouted about it's existence to my friends or courted an audience, even though I do hope it has some purpose and value to it and would like it to be read. Before I began writing I set out a number of guidelines for myself in order to shape what I wrote about and how, one of which was to not identify myself, or other people in my life. I didn't and don't want to write a teen-aged style blog of my worries and concerns but i have, for a while been wondering whether I should be finding a mid-way point and basing my posts more on my life, thoughts and activities. I confess that on occasion the blog has felt a bit purposeless, and personality-lite, especially all the YouTube, but even when I have attempted to be more weighty I haven't always been entirely happy with the output.

Perhaps I need to tinge my posts with a bit more personality and then maybe I will not only be happier with my output but I might also feel more comfortable sharing it with others.